Do you ever feel like you’re sitting on a cloud watching over your own daily life? I do. Every single day. What I mean by this is that, quite frankly, I don’t feel like my mind and my body are connected. I’m just watching myself do things for the first time. When I think back on my week and to stuff I was doing I think to myself ‘was I actually there?’ Sometimes, it just doesn’t feel like I was at all. It’s strange. It kind of feels like an outer body experience or something. Some days it can feel like I am just an empty body. Like part of me has died and all that’s left is my skin, bones and organs.
I want to stress that I understand that if you too feel like this, it could be dissimilar to how I feel. I understand that there are different types of dissociation disorders however, I am not referring to any diagnosis of any mental health illness in particular. If you research how I have described my feelings recently, and you know a thing or two about these behaviours, you may immediately think of depersonalisation-derealisation disorder. Put that thought aside. Instead, I want to talk about how it feels being detached. Detached from people, events and feelings. Without putting a label on it.
A good way to describe this form of emptiness is that it is as if there are four strings attached to you controlling everything you do. You are a puppet. But the strangest thing is that, you too, are the puppet master. The puppet master knows how to get through life and do things by default. You can walk and talk and do everyday menial activities. The only thing missing is feelings and emotions. Your physical body is always present but your mind is not. By having the ability to do activities by default is in fact very useful as otherwise, it could be extremely difficult to function. It is already hard enough getting by with no emotion or feelings as it can effect relationships in your life.
Currently, I’m getting on with day to day life and existing just fine. I work, go home and spend time with friends. I’m not sad. I’m not happy. I’m alive. Although I don’t feel it. I should feel lucky though right? My health is good and I have lots of stuff going for me so I shouldn’t complain. I’m taking part in everyday life and I’m existing. But what use is existing? I want to live. And I know that I’m the only person who can make that happen. I’ve got holiday plans and events booked with friends but I don’t even feel excited. I feel nothing. Excuse me if I sound ungrateful, that is not the case at all. I’m extremely thankful for everything I get to do and for the relationships I have in my life. It’s just frustrating when you feel nothing.
I find it extremely difficult feeling detached from people. It breaks my heart not being able to show my appreciation towards people. Not so much for objects in my life but more so for the little things people do for me on a daily basis. If I try to show that I am thankful to people, I worry that they do not think I am being genuine. And for me this is extremely difficult because I really enjoy showing genuine gratitude towards people.
Very recently, I made a tiny development with my state of mind. Nothing huge, just small but to me it was a victory, nonetheless. I cried. I cried happy tears and it felt amazing. To some people, it might sounds silly. Who wants to cry? Crying usually sucks. But I cannot tell you just how good it felt. And do you know what caused it? Tom Fletcher’s Wedding Speech. A video I have watched about five hundred times, (okay, maybe a little exaggeration) but I have honestly watched it so many times. And I still cried. I wasn’t balling but tears were streaming down my face and I had the biggest smile on my face. And then it hit me. I was feeling. This made me cry even more because it felt like such a breakthrough. All sort of happiness and feels and it was amazing. To me, this was a great achievement. And now that it has happened, I know that it will happen again. Even if it isn’t anytime soon, I know it will happen.
If you feel like this too, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Even if the emptiness only lasts for a couple of days, it is still difficult. Just know there are other people out there who struggle with this too and reaching out can work wonders. I don’t need a diagnosis for this, I don’t believe that will help me whatsoever, but that doesn’t mean I don’t despise myself every day for not being able to feel. I want you to know you are not alone. But I understand how difficult it is to help yourself in this situation. It can be frustrating and often leave you feeling deflated. But I promise you, there will be little victories which make the struggle worthwhile.
Do you ever feel this way?